We have all been in situations, both at work and in our personal lives, where other people just seem to be in the way of things. They just don’t get it. They just don’t understand us or what we need. We view them as selfish and self-centred.

In those situations, the authors of Leadership & Deception suggest we are “in the box” and are suffering from what they refer to as "self-deception."

This excellent book by the Arbringer Institute pulls back the blinds on how toxic relationships can impact how we act, in our personal and professional lives, and guides us towards how we can identify when we are under the influence of self-deception and self-betrayal. The authors assert that by changing our frame of mind, we can get out of the box and benefit from the appreciation of others.

What Being "In The Box" Looks Like

Let’s start with an “in-the-box” example we can all relate to...

Joe is taking a short flight for business and arrives at the airport with just enough of a window to get to the gate and board his plane. As he approaches security, the lines are long with holiday travellers and their children. Joe sighs. In front of him is a young woman who is struggling with three small children and their bags. She looks at Joe. Joe looks through her at the gaps at the x-ray conveyor, mentally trying to will her to hurry the heck up. Suddenly, one of Joe’s fellow business travellers steps forward and asks her if he can help.

Through this example the core premise of the book is illustrated. Joe is “in the box."

In the moment, Joe considers himself the centre of the universe and more important than others. He sees the young family as objects who are preventing him from getting to the gate on time. The other traveller who helped the young woman, would be considered “out- of the box."

The same type of situation can also occur at work.

John was given an assignment to draft a response to a customer need. His boss gave him a short brief and pointed in the vague direction of support materials. When the customer declined the offer the “lessons learned” were not unusual.

From John’s perspective, why had his boss not given better instruction? If he had, he could have done a better job. To him, his boss was just a dictator who doesn’t actually say what he needs, and is quick to criticize. By contrast, from the boss’ perspective, John is just useless and should've known what was needed. The company lost a good contract because of him and now they'll need to his reconsider his future with them. 

In this work example, who is in the box?

Answer: Both of them because both see the other as a barrier to achievement and as an object, not a person.

In both examples, the “in-the-box” perpetrators are self-deceived. They cannot see the true needs of the other party. They are focussed internally and hence cannot appreciate the perspective of others. Their view of themselves and others is distorted from reality, hence deceiving themselves from the true picture.

The Arbringer Institute claims that in business, self deception is the underlying cause of what are commonly known as “people problems," and, to the extent organizations are beset by self-deception (i.e.,they can’t see the problem).

Most organizations are stuck in the box.

Success in an organization is a function of whether we’re in the box or not, and that our influence as leaders depends on the same thing.

How We Get "In The Box"

If we had time to step back from potential “in the box” situations or to press pause on life, I’m sure we would be able to identify what was appropriate.

Going back to the previous examples, we can clearly identify the needs of the family at the airport, the needs of Joe, the needs of John and his boss, and we can see – with the advantage of “pause” - what is right.

Think of a time when you felt you should help a co-worker, but then decided not to. Or maybe there was a time when you felt you should apologize to someone, but never got around to doing it.

Perhaps there was a time when you knew you had some information that would be helpful to a co-worker, but you kept it to yourself or knew you needed to stay late to finish some work for someone, but went home instead without bothering to talk to that person about it.

Whatever situation resonates, these are examples of where we know what is right, but choose not to go there. 

This act is what the authors call an Act of Self Betrayal. The Act of Self Betrayl is a slippery slope, which can set off a chain reaction of negative consequences. 

Here's how...

When acting contrary to our own sense of what is appropriate, we go against how we should behave toward another person. As result, we begin to see the world in a way that justifies our self-betrayal, and look for or find reasons to justify our behavior.

By seeing the world in a self-justifying way, we then inflate other’s faults, as well as our own virtue. We inflate the value of things that justify our actions and we blame others. 

When we betray ourselves, we start seeing things differently (our view of others, our self, our circumstances, etc.) and everything is distorted in a way that makes us feel okay about what we are doing.

Most of us have self-justifying images we’re carrying around, always ready to defend them against attack because what we need most while we are in the box is to feel justified. So, we lay the blame for any failure or issue on those who don’t conform to our image. We pull them into the box with us and in turn they blame us for blaming them unjustly.

Now they’re in the box too. They feel justified in blaming us and feel our further blame is unjust. Eventually they blame us even more leading to a deeper, downard spiral. 

When considering all of this, it's almost as if we are saying to eachother, 'Look, I’ll mistreat you so that you can blame your bad behaviour on me. And, if you mistreat me, I can blame my bad behaviour on you."

If we’re in the box, we are inviting others to be in the box, too and eventually we will all end up with self-betrayal getting in the way of what we’re trying to do, which is helping the cause or to solve the problem at hand.

And finally, one last consideration is collusion in the work place. Collusion in the workplace is another example of being "in the box" and typically begins when one person in an organization is 'in the box' and fails to focus on results, provoking his or her co-workers to fail to focus on results as well. Collusion spreads far and wide, and the result is that co-workers position themselves against co-workers, workgroups against workgroups, and departments against departments. 

Getting "Out of the Box"

So, ‘How do we get out of the box?’

It essentially boils down to asking these two questions:

1. How do we get out? 
2. How do we stay out?

To begin, consider this: When you’re feel that you want to "be out of the box" for someone, you are in the at moment already "out." You feel that way because you are now seeing him or her as a person. 

Getting out of the box is simple. All we need to do is focus on the people who are right before us. In that moment — the moment we see someone as a person, with needs, hopes, and worries as real and legitimate as our own — we are out of the box toward them.

The crux of getting out of the box is an understanding of the difference between knowing and doing. We must recognize that slipping into the box is easeir than staying out. 

So, how do we stay out of the box?

Here are a few things to help get you started:

• Don't try to be perfect, just try to be better.
• Don't look for other people’s boxes; look for your own.
• Don't accuse others of being in the box; try to stay out of the box yourself.
• Don't give up on yourself if/when you discover you've been in the box.
• Don't deny being“in the box” if you've been in the box. Apologise and keep moving forward with the goal of trying to be more helpful to others in the future.
• Don't focus on what others are doing wrong. Focus on what you can do right or to help.
• Don't worry whether others are helping you. Instead, worry whether you are helping others.

The common thread found in all of these points is that it is critical we honor what our out-of-the-box sensibiity is telling us about what we should do for others.

That said, it doesn't necessarily mean we have to do everything we feel would be ideal. We all have our own responsibilities and needs that require attention, and sometimes we just can’t help others as much or as soon as we wish we could. In these situations, there is no need to place blame or justify anything to ourselves. We are still seeing others as people we want to help, even if we are unable to help at that very moment or in a way we think would be ideal. All we can simply do is our best given the circumstances. 

Leadership "Out Of The Box"

Here's an example of what being out of the box looks like in a business environment.

Understanding the impact of being “in and out of the box” led a CEO to institute a new way of tackling company problems. Rather than going directly to the person he thought was causing the problem and demand they fix it, the CEO considered how he himself might have contributed to the problem.

He called a meeting which included each person in the chain of command and right down to the level where the problem existed. The CEO began the meeting by identifying the problem and laid out all the ways he thought he had negatively contributed to the culture that had produced the problem. He then proposed a plan to rectify his contributions to the problem.

After doing so, he invited each person at the meeting to do the same. When it finally came time for the person most immediately responsible for the problem to speak, the person publicly took responsibility for their contribution to the problem and proposed a plan to fix it. 

In this way, a problem that had gone on literally for years was solved nearly overnight when the leader stopped simply assigning responsibility and held himself strictly accountable. 

This company now uses this model for solving any problem they encounter. 

Conclusion

Being in the box encourages ever increasing levels of negativity. Being out of the box demands appreciation of others as people with their own needs and not objects to support yours.

When you think of others without self-justification you are immediately out of the box, and to remain out requires acceptance of the negative influence of personal needs and a mind shift to look outwards.

Companies in the box struggle to succeed, colluding to fail.

Companies out of the box are open and work collaboratively towards success.